Life In Extremis…

My name is Veryan, I am 34 years old and since May 2013 my whole life has been dramatically turned upside down and I am living with the consequences.

Last May when I was 32 weeks pregnant with my first child I was diagnosed with Stage 2b cervical cancer. My partner, Matt and I were devastated and in total shock. We had been happily preparing for our new family despite having a very difficult pregnancy when suddenly everything was thrown into peril on a scale we had not imagined we would be facing.  One week later our son, Arthur was born 7 weeks premature by caesarean in order that I could start my treatment as soon as possible. Arthur was in NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) for the first two weeks of his life and we came home from hospital when he was 19 days old, just after I had started my cancer treatment. I fell in love with him instantly and it was so hard watching him go through those first few weeks in hospital knowing it was because of me.

Over the next few months while Matt and I learned how to care for Arthur and got to know him and enjoy him I underwent a regime of daily radiotherapy and weekly chemotherapy followed by two brachytherapy treatments (internal radiotherapy). In September I had a hysterectomy and oophorectomy (ovary removal) operation. All the treatment went very well and the scans showed no signs of the cancer remaining. We were all starting to breathe easier and I was looking forward to getting my health back and being a more hands on mum at last.

By December I was slowly recovering from all my treatment and getting used to parenthood, and wondering what life after cancer would be like when I was diagnosed with another, unrelated cancer. This was breast cancer in my right breast and it was then confirmed just after Christmas as Stage 4 locally advanced breast cancer which had spread to one vertebrae in my spine. I started chemotherapy on New Year’s Eve and had it every three weeks until the end of March this year. On the 2nd May I had a total mastectomy of my right breast and axillary clearance of the lymph nodes in my armpit. I am going to start daily radiotherapy in a few weeks time and I will need to have more treatment after that, possibly including more chemotherapy. Although the cancer is Stage 4 and has spread I am hopeful for a good outcome. The latest bone scan cannot detect any cancer in my spine which is encouraging and I am keeping hold of the belief that there is nothing to stop me from being fully cured. I have a vision of myself living free and clear of cancer which I want to reach one day.

I have decided that I want to write about my experiences over the last year and to share my thoughts on how to cope with a very difficult situation. I hope that in this blog I will be able to describe what is happening to me and give an insight into my life and experience. I have been told by many people, including many medical staff, that my situation is very unusual, and possibly unique. There are some people who are diagnosed with more than one cancer and there are others who are diagnosed with cancer when they are pregnant but not all at once! It seems to me that circumstance has placed me in a very special position to be able to write about living life in extremis.

Having cancer is a deeply traumatic experience, especially at my age when I could reasonably have assumed that I had many years of good health ahead of me. To have cancer at the same time as becoming a mother has been very painful and upsetting. Arthur is a source of immense joy in my life but I am sad for what we have both lost. I have missed out on many of the experiences which new mums enjoy. Instead I am living with trauma as part of my everyday experience, it is part of my life all the time and I am having to learn how to accommodate it. My desire to write this blog is partly to use it as a way to make sense of what’s happening to me and despite all the difficulties I face to continue to find ways of making sure I enjoy my life and my time with my partner and our beautiful son and my amazing family who have done so much for me.

My other reason for writing this blog is to try to say something truthful about life. I want to write about what it means to experience life in this way, with a constant reminder hanging over my head that nothing is permanent, nothing is guaranteed, nothing is fixed and decided and nothing is truly in my control. I am no longer able to take for granted all the things I should be able to expect from life. I am being made to find a new way of living and hopefully it will be a better life than before and I shall be better for it.